“Females orgasm less often than males[1]”. It’s true. Unfortunately. But in heterosexual relationships. We hear, read, and say this over and over again. But do we ever hear, read, and say why?

The reasons are multiple and varied. But researchers looked into the matter. They led a study in which they asked female respondents about the obstacles to reaching orgasm.[2] Researchers then classified the obstacles into four different categories. Is there a lot new under the sun? For many of us, not really. But for many others, certainly.

• Physical Obstacles

Without surprise, the main physical issue mentioned was fatigue. When we are tired, we have less energy and motivation to engage in sexual activity – or to fully participate in it. And it becomes harder to reach orgasm. However, let’s not forget that sex is the best remedy for a good night’s sleep.

Vaginal troubles such as vaginal dryness or infection were also reported by participants as obstacles to their climax. It’s not a secret that vaginal issues cause discomfort and pain. And with pain and discomfort, sex can’t be pleasurable. Lube and/or medication can improve the sexual experience. Be aware though that sometimes, drugs can also be the cause of sexual and/or vaginal troubles.

• Psychological Obstacles

Lack of knowledge and shame to express sexual needs and desires was an important inhibiting factor. Knowing what we like and how we like it takes time and practice. And being able to then express it to a (listening) partner can be challenging. Add to that cocktail societal norms and a culture that might not have encouraged us to be assertive and express our desires openly. And there it is: a beautiful big barrier on our path to orgasms.

Other psychological obstacles were thoughts about daily concerns, and fear of pain or pregnancy. Few of us have never experienced intrusive thoughts during sex. Often about daily concerns - financial worries, work-related stress, household chores, or family responsibilities. And I take the bet that few will argue that it didn't affect their sexual enjoyment. Concerns about unwanted pregnancy or fear of pain can be a major source of anxiety. Those concerns and fears create a sense of unease or tension that can take up a lot of space. It then becomes impossible to relax and unwind, both indispensable for a fulfilling and pleasurable experience.

• Relational Obstacles

Relational obstacles that were mentioned all concerned the relationship with their sexual partner.

The lack of attention to the participant’s pleasure was a consequent issue. Not understanding or not being aware of one’s sexual needs and desires is a very – if not the most - frequent problem in sexual relationships. Gender stereotypes, lack of education, beliefs, communication barriers, performance pressure, and sometimes self-centeredness all play their part in this issue.

Conflicts with their partners prevented some of the respondents from achieving orgasm. Some further reported misunderstandings during the sexual encounter. Tensions within our relationship do indeed impact sexual intimacy. They can create emotional barriers that interfere with our relaxation and arousal, especially when they’re unresolved.

• Contextual Obstacles

The last category concerned the contextual obstacles. These obstacles included the lack of privacy, fear of being overheard, or fear of being interrupted while having sex. Uncomfortable environments were also mentioned. For some, those can create excitement and add a little bit of spice, but in the long run – or even in the short one - these disturbances can create anxiety and inhibit enjoyment.

The last issue was the issue of timing. Busy schedules, mismatched sleeping hours, or conflicting commitments create limited opportunities for sexual activity. This lack of time can create pressure to rush through sexual encounters. It then becomes difficult to relax and reach orgasm. Taking the time to have sex is good, but it’s making the time to have sex that really matters.

Of course, we are all different. Some of us might never have experienced difficulties to reach orgasm, others once, sometimes, often, or always. And the reasons are specific to each and every one of us. But being aware that at times the reasons can be psychological or physical, and at others, contextual or relational or maybe both, can help us identify them. And when we’re able to recognize them, we have a first tool to address these challenges. And to overcome them.

[1] In this discussion, the terms 'female' and 'male' are used in a biological context to refer to individuals with vulvas and individuals with penises, respectively. We recognize that gender identity is diverse and complex, and these terms are not meant to imply anything about an individual's gender identity.

[2] Nekoolaltak, M., Keshavarz, Z., Simbar, M., Nazari, A. M., & Baghestani, A. (2019). Achievement of and Failure to Achieve Orgasm in Sexual Relationship: Exploring Iranian Women’s Experiences. Journal of Qualitative Research in Health Sciences, 8(2), 1-13. All participants were married women.

The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and solely as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not a substitute for personalized medical or mental health advice, nor does it establish a client-practitioner relationship. Always consult with your own healthcare or mental health provider when making decisions regarding your health.