Our sexual fantasies. Most of us start blushing just by the thought of them. And most of us even feel a bit ashamed of them. But let me tell you: your sex fantasies are way less uncommon than you think.[1]

First things first: sexual fantasies are thoughts that arouse us sexually. They involve a broad spectrum of imagined sexual experiences, desires, and/or scenarios. Everyone has (had) them. Every-one. And imagination, even sexual, is healthy.

So, that is said.

But sexual fantasies are still extremely taboo. Not sure many people would volunteer to share theirs. And that’s totally fine. The problem is that with taboo comes shame. Most of us -if not all- feel some sort of shame about our sexual fantasies. We think they might be weird or not normal. So we keep them for ourselves. But it’s because we keep them for ourselves that we think they are unusual.

Most of our sexual fantasies are common

Get the scoop: most of us share the same types of sexual fantasies. Of course, every fantasy is unique to each individual, but scientists found that very few sexual fantasies are statistically rare[2], and that most of them fall into one of these seven categories[3]:

• Multi-partnered sex such as threesomes, foursomes, and group sex.

• Power, control, and rough sex such as BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism). In other words, a consensual exchange of power in a (sexual) situation.

• Novelty and adventure, aka trying new and different things such as a new sexual activity or having sex in a new/public location.

• Taboos and forbidden sex, such as fetishes or doing something that is culturally or socially not “supposed” to be done.

• Passion and romance, such as feeling desired or connecting emotionally with (a) partner(s)

• Non-monogamy, such as open relationships, polyamory, and swinging.

• Exploring gender and/or sexuality, such as same-sex experiences for self-identified heterosexual people, or dressing in a gender other than that in which one identifies.

Our sexual fantasies are thus not that special, and thus also not that weird.

A bit comforted? I hope so.

Sexual fantasies are (just) thoughts

Sexual fantasies are pleasurable because we can make them play out exactly how we want. They’re exciting because they’re endless. They’re delightful because they’re ours. And they’re safe because we can keep it so. But they’re also safe because we’re not performing them in real life (yet). Only in our head. Sometimes, it would be impossible to execute them. Sometimes, they’re much better in our heads than how they would play out in the real world. And sometimes, in no world would we want to carry them out in real life.

That’s also why we might have fantasies that are sexually arousing for us but that do not align with our values. That’s common, that’s normal, and that’s okay. We all daydream. Every day. At times it’s about our next holidays, but at others it’s about how we would want to tell off or even hurt that unbearable someone. Do we proceed? No. But it’s a human and healthy outlet. It’s the same with our sexual fantasies. They’re no more than that: fantasies. They’re thoughts. And sexual thoughts are a normal part of life.

Thinking about our sexual fantasies shouldn’t feel like opening the door to that dark backroom in our brains. Because that room is not dark at all. It’s joyful, colorful, and full of fantasy. When we open that door and escape, it gives us fulfillment, and it gives us pleasure. So, let’s embrace our sexual fantasies. Unapologetically.

[1] While this blog discusses the topic of sexual fantasies positively and openly, it's important to acknowledge that individual experiences with sexual fantasies can vary. If you're troubled by frequent sexual fantasies involving illegal acts and have the desire to explore them in real life, seek support from a qualified healthcare professional or mental health provider.

[2] Joyal, C. C., Cossette, A., & Lapierre, V. (2015). What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(2), 328–340.

[3] Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Boston, MA: Da Capo.

The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and solely as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not a substitute for personalized medical or mental health advice, nor does it establish a client-practitioner relationship. Always consult with your own healthcare or mental health provider when making decisions regarding your health.