Do you sometimes daydream about playing out your sexual fantasies in real life? You’re not alone. But then you doubt, hesitate, and feel a little embarrassed? You’re not alone either. And we’ve got you. Should you share your sexual fantasies? Should you act on them? Should you leave them as they are? Over the next few weeks, we’ll cover it all. So, get ready for the ride.

This week, we’ll explore if - and how - you should share your sexual fantasies. Because yes, before enacting them, you’ll have to voice them. And that’s rarely the easiest part.

Feeling comfortable with our own sexual fantasies is, in itself, not simple. Few of us don’t feel some sort of shame or discomfort when thinking about our desires. The culprits? Here are a few: the messages we internalized growing up, the societal norms we absorb as adults, our beliefs, and our (too harsh) self-judgment. This complex combo often leads us to believe that if our sexual practices don’t align with narrow cultural expectations, they’re bad. Well, let me tell you: your sexual fantasies are not bad[1]. They’re essential, they’re healthy, and they’re probably not even weird.

So, that is out of the way. Now, the question is: should you share them?

Like pretty much everything in life, it depends.

Talking about sexual fantasies with a partner is vulnerable. That’s why feeling safe and respected is essential. You need to have that safe space with your partner(s) where you can open up. Where you feel heard. And where there is trust.

If that’s all set, let’s move to the next steps.

1. What is your goal in sharing your fantasy?

First, try to figure out why you want to share your fantasy. Is it simply because you find it arousing? Is it because you want to know your partner(s) on a more intimate level? Is it because you would like to enact the fantasy with them? Don’t worry if your goal isn’t crystal clear, you can still talk these questions through. But if you know, it will help you understand what you hope to gain from the conversation. And it will help you communicate your intentions more effectively.

2. Anticipate possible reactions

Your partner’s reaction might range from curiosity and excitement to discomfort or impassibility. They might feel eager to explore, or they might need time to process. And that’s okay. What feels common or usual to one person can feel totally new or taboo to another. We’re all different. And we all have different feelings about sexual fantasies. So, be prepared for a variety of responses. And try to let go of any expectation or attachment to a particular reaction or outcome.

3. Acknowledge their response

Whatever their reaction, show them that you care about their feelings. And make sure they feel heard and respected. It can also be the perfect time to ask if they have fantasies they would like to share with you. Whether you’re met with excitement or reservation, discuss how you both feel. Let them know you don’t want them to feel under pressure to do or say anything. If necessary, give them time to process and return to the conversation when they feel ready.

4. Be okay with yourself

And whatever their reaction, remember that your partner’s response does not define you or your desires. Sharing our sexual fantasies requires us to be comfortable with ourselves. We need to feel confident in our own desires, regardless of how our partner(s) react to them. And we need to be able to manage our own feelings when we listen to our partner’s fantasies. It might require some effort, but staying grounded in these sensitive moments is essential.

Ultimately, it is you and only you who decide if you want to share your sexual fantasies. You don’t owe anyone access to the things you fantasize about. And if you want to keep them secret, you keep them so. But whether you choose to share them or to keep them for yourself, being able to talk openly, safely, and respectfully about your desires is crucial to a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship.

And if you and your partner(s) end up wanting to explore any of your fantasies together, you’ll need to discuss and agree on how to do so in a way that is enjoyable for everyone. And that’s exactly what we will dive into next time!

Until then, embrace your fantasies and honor what feels right for you.

[1] While this blog discusses the topic of sexual fantasies positively and openly, it's important to acknowledge that individual experiences with sexual fantasies can vary. If you find your thoughts distressing and/or want to act out sexual fantasies that might put you or someone else in danger or involving illegal acts, seek support from a qualified healthcare professional or mental health provider.

The information provided in this article is for educational and informational purposes only and solely as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not a substitute for personalized medical or mental health advice, nor does it establish a client-practitioner relationship. Always consult with your own healthcare or mental health provider when making decisions regarding your health.